


At the Speed of Hurting

by HarpforHim



Series: From Kenobi’s Point of View [3]
Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Cody - Freeform, Gen, Jedi Master Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, POV Obi-Wan Kenobi, Protective CC-2224 | Cody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:02:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,897
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28388217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarpforHim/pseuds/HarpforHim
Summary: The sharp fizz of the shield reactivating forced him to his knees—this time, he didn’t resist. His gasp for air sounded more like a strangled sob, but Obi-Wan hardly noticed.After all, Jedi weren’t supposed to run out of breath.“Jedi aren’t supposed to make the same run more than twenty times in a row without breaking, yet here I am...”The aftermath of winning a victory for the Republic on the lush planet of Naboo finds Obi-Wan returning to the location of his Master's death. Because this time, he’ll make it. This time, he’s certain victory will be his...(A prequel to “At the Speed of Healing”)
Relationships: CC-2224 | Cody & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Qui-Gon Jinn & Obi-Wan Kenobi, mentioned
Series: From Kenobi’s Point of View [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2021438
Comments: 4
Kudos: 75





	At the Speed of Hurting

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Siri_Kenobi12](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Siri_Kenobi12/gifts).



> Siri_Kenobi12 mentioned in a comment on one of my Whumptober 2020 stories about wanting to see a prequel to “At the Speed of Healing” in which we get to see Obi-Wan trying time make it past the Theed ray shields.
> 
> Well, I’ve finally gotten my Obi Inspiration back, so here it is! This fic is dedicated to Siri_Kenobi12 and all the wonderful encouragement they’ve given to me since I’ve joined AO3. Thank you, friend!

He could almost hear the celebration thundering on the streets above. Though, perhaps that was merely his heart banging ruthlessly against his chest.

_Focus._

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_Right._

If only that were true. Despite his reputation as a serene, well-put-together Jedi, Obi-Wan Kenobi couldn't remember a time when he believed those words with all his heart.

And now was certainly not one of those times.

He'd stopped reigniting his lightsaber somewhere around four runs ago, choosing to keep it on to save time.

Or perhaps he was simply so caught up in his task that he hadn't thought to turn it on or off.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_Right._

He would have peace after he successfully made this next run. _I have a good feeling about this next one._

Bouncing lightly on his heels, Obi-Wan waited, patience slowly draining.

_Almost there… Almost…_

_This time, I'll make it. This time…_

The burning red ray shields hadn't been deactivated for more than a nanosecond when his legs began to propel him forward.

Faster.

Faster!

_Faster!_

_No—!_

The Jedi Master had to jerk his body backward in order to keep from getting his head sliced off by the offending shields, which had all closed quiet suddenly.

Blocking him from his finish line.

From his Master.

_Blast!_

It took all his self-control not to sink to his knees.

_Oh, Master…_

A full two rotations of shields passed before Obi-Wan was able to make his body move again; before his brain could comprehend that he was no longer a very young Padawan.

He was a Jedi Master.

A General in the GAR.

And he'd grown more than ten years since the Battle of Theed.

_So, why can't I make it through?_

_Why am I still so inadequate?_

The crippling thoughts pummeled him faster than that Sith Darth Maul had all those years ago.

 _If I only had kept my balance,_ he berated himself. _If I hadn't fallen so far off the ledge…_

Sucking in a deep breath, he prepared himself for another run.

_Breathe…_

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_In three, two—_

His legs were moving before the shields had even begun their next cycle. With any luck, he wouldn't slam into a wall of hot, sizzling red.

The shields moved out of the way just in time for Obi-Wan to come barreling through. With every shield he passed, he grew more confident that he would make it.

_This time. I'm certain about this time…_

Then, the last shield closed, barring his path once again.

_No…_

In an uncharacteristic fit of irritation, Obi-Wan whacked the shield with his lightsaber. _No!_

Perhaps trying it without the saber would work better…

But _no._ He needed the weapon; needed it in his right hand.

Because that's how it was back then.

So that's how it would have to be now…

_If I'm to do this right._

_Right…_

Was there even a right or a wrong way to this? To anything?

_The right way would've been saving Qui-Gon before—_

Obi-Wan snapped that thought in two before it had time to grow, to morph into a monster he wouldn't be able to control.

_There is no passion, there is serenity._

He tried the run again.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

And again.

_Blast it!_

And again.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

Faster.

_There is no death…_

Faster!

_There is the Force._

Faster, _blast it!_

_There is no—_

The sharp fizz of the shield reactivating forced him to his knees, and this time, he didn't resist.

His gasp for air sounded more like a strangled sob, but Obi-Wan hardly noticed. After all, Jedi weren't supposed to run out of breath.

_Jedi aren't supposed to make the same run more than twenty times in a row without breaking, yet here I am._

There he was…

In eleven years, he should've grown. He should've grown not only wiser, but stronger and faster as well.

_And perhaps I_ _**am** _ _faster than I once was…_

_Simply not fast_ _**enough** _ _._

_Oh, Master…_

Once more…

_One more time and I'll be done. This will be it. This time, I'll win._

Win, _what_ , exactly?

Obi-Wan was sure _he_ didn't know.

But he had to make it, to prove to himself that— _what?_

_That I could save Qui-Gon if another chance were suddenly gifted to me?_

_That I'm capable of saving both Anakin and Ahsoka, as well as the lives of my men if the situation arose?_

_Oh, Force forbid,_ _**that** _ _!_

But still… _It could happen anytime. Any day._

No one had warned him of Qui-Gon's impending death, not even the Force.

No one had sat him down and explained to him the possibility that one of them might not walk away from that battle. _The first battle of Jedi against Sith in over a thousand years._

_Why did it have to be me?_

_Out of everyone, why_ _**me** _ _?_

The least the Force could've done was given him a slight push, a light warning.

_But then, perhaps it had. Perhaps that was the bad feeling I had when we first landed at the station for negotiations…_

_And I ignored it._

_I_ _**ignored** _ _it._

_For the record, Qui-Gon ignored it, too._

Obi-Wan sucked in another breath.

_And now he's dead._

In all honesty, the Jedi Master had never expected to find himself in that place; in that cruel hall, staring down that terrible reactor shaft.

A shiver wracked his frame and Obi-Wan pried himself off the ground. Step by painstaking step, he dragged his feet toward the room—the chamber where his life had changed so significantly so many years ago.

He didn't stop until he was just a few short feet away from the gaping hole in the center of the room. It felt as if it were just yesterday afternoon that he'd hung so precariously on the edge of the shaft, trying to save his own life before he could save the life of his Master.

_And in the end, it didn't even matter…_

Qui-Gon had died, _because I was too late to save him._

_Maybe if I'd been taller, if my legs were longer like Qui-Gon's. Or Anakin's._

It was a full five minutes before he could make his gaze shift towards the spot where he'd held his Master for the last time; where Qui-Gon had breathed his painful final breaths.

_"Promise me you'll train the boy…"_

A tight nod.

_"Yes, Master."_

Obi-Wan squeezed his eyes shut, a last ditch effort to keep the tears at bay.

_Yes, Master…_

_Oh, Master…_

Standing there alone, trying not to let the fateful scene replay itself over and over in his head, Obi-Wan couldn't help but wonder if his Master would've been proud of him.

Of the way he trained Anakin to Knighthood.

Of the way he took Ahsoka under his wing as if she were his very own Padawan.

Of his seat on the Jedi High Council and his title of Jedi Master.

Of his attack battalion and all the men who serve under his command.

Obi-Wan swallowed and curled his arms around his chest, savoring the warmth and security they provided.

But above all, he hoped Qui-Gon, wherever he might be, would be proud of who he was as a Jedi and a person.

_One can only hope in the end…_

Wasn't that what the galaxy was built on, after all? _Hope._

With a start, he recognized Cody's distinct Force signature heading his way. A quick swipe of his eyes and cheeks was all he needed to prepare for his commander's impending arrival.

_He mustn't know; he mustn't see…_

_Mustn't know how hard I tried._

_How I couldn't make it anyway._

_Why?_

Why, indeed?

_Perhaps he'll understand…_

_Or he'll think his general has gone insane and politely request a transfer._

_Right._

Cody was getting closer and closer—and quite quickly, at that.

Obi-Wan regulated his breathing until he sounded like a normal person once again.

_There is no emotion, there is peace._

_Yeah. Right._

It was a comforting thought, but only because he forced it to be one, for the sake of his own sanity.

Then, with his arms tucked securely across his chest again, Obi-Wan waited.

 _Waiting._ That seemed to be his lot in life, didn't it? Waiting to be chosen by a Jedi Master. Waiting for Qui-Gon to stop comparing him to Xanatos, to let him into his life—his heart. Waiting for Anakin to trust him; for the boy to mature.

Waiting for a chance to catch another glimpse of Satine's glorious face.

Waiting for the war to be over; for peace to reign once again.

And now, for Cody to make it through the barriers.

He heard them spark back into existence, felt Cody bounce impatiently as the trooper served his own sentence of waiting.

Then, they fizzled out and Cody continued on at a fast walk.

"Run, Cody," Obi-Wan beckoned, hoping his sudden command wouldn't startle the commander. _Run._

_As fast as you possibly can._

_And perhaps you'll succeed where I failed…_

However, when the shields sizzled to life once more, Obi-Wan knew Cody hadn't made it all the way through in one go.

But then again, Obi-Wan hadn't expected him to.

Still… _There was always a hope._

Perhaps his hope had died with Qui-Gon. _Right over there, blast it…_

And maybe that same hope had rekindled with Anakin, but Obi-Wan could never be sure in moments like this.

In moments like this, Obi-Wan Kenobi could never truly be sure of anything.

Except one thing…

"I've ordered the men to prepare for departure. We're just… uh…" Cody cleared his throat. "We're just waiting on you, sir. Are you… Are you all right?"

And despite everything, Obi-Wan felt the corners of his lips curve the slightest bit. Because here was his hope, here was someone who _cared._

Now, if he could only chase the frost away from his heart and out of his chest before it was time to leave.

Leave this place…

"Is the party over already?" His voice seemed distant even to himself, as if he wasn't truly there—as if his mind had traveled elsewhere hours ago. _Perhaps it had…_ "I wasn't aware…"

Leave these memories…

_Somehow…_

_Somehow—_

"Sir, with all due respect, I don't think you're okay and I'd appreciate it if you'd tell me what's going on so we can get off this planet."

Obi-Wan sucked in a breath, a ghost of a smile gracing his lips. "I never said I was, Cody."

He heard Cody take a few steps forward. "Sir… What can I do? How can I help?"

The Jedi shook his head, eyes falling once more on that fateful patch of floor. "I'm not so sure you can."

_I'm not sure anyone can…_

"You haven't even given me a chance, sir."

Silence. A long, dragging silence passed between them, in which Obi-Wan fought to breathe, fought to speak.

Because now he had to say _something._ He couldn't just stand there like an imbecile.

When his voice finally came, it was softer than he'd ever heard it before, except maybe in that dreadful moment eleven years ago…

" _Yes, Master."_

Obi-Wan swallowed. "I wasn't fast enough."

And he soon found himself spilling his soul to Cody, albeit slowly, cautiously. But it was a start.

The first step on the road to healing.


End file.
